Progress.

Blogging - for me at least - is like exercising. Or dieting.
It requires willpower, something I have almost none of. For example, I will update my blog everyday for a while, with full enthu posts about what I bought at the supermarket, or how badly I had to pee but I was locked out of my house. Gradually, the posts become as dull and boring as cornflakes that have been soaking in milk for too long.
And then they just stop.

I haven't blogged in four months. Four long, arduous months. Which sounds great in my head, because it seems like I've been working my ass off with college coursework and practicals that I haven't really found the time to even look up from my copy of Prescott's Microbiology, Eighth Edition. But when I really look back, all I seem to have done is marvel at how symmetrical, how shiny Bryan Cranston's head is in Breaking Bad.
So not much, really. Eh.

#nowplaying.

Well, college is closed now. I have about 20 days of vacation left before the next semester starts, and absolutely nothing to do. The brother has school, so I have the entire house to myself.
No entrances to study for.
I can totally wake up late and go to sleep late.
Eat everything.
Bake a cake, ice it, and then eat that too.
Impromptu Wes Anderson movie marathon.

I imagine this is what living in paradise must feel like.

While I haven't been blogging, SO much has happened. A whole semester has flown by, and I'm still alive.
That is a cause for celebration by itself.

Fresher Flash Flood.

This is a thing. I wrote this thing roughly a month ago. Things have changed a bit since, but these feelings bubble up occasionally.

Evernote FTW.

Updated Jun 20, 2013

I have been attending college for just over a week now. The culture shock isn't as much as I'd expected; the population is as diverse as diverse gets, and everyone has a decent enough demeanor. Nobody bothers or picks on each other, so long as said victim isn't being a huge prick.

It's just as the Internet said it would be.

However, what no amount of askreddit threads and yahoo answers about college could ever prepare me for is the horrible loneliness.

The loneliness that stems from not sharing common interests with almost anybody, leaving you, quite often, with no one to talk to; no one to freak out about things with you. I suppose that's the price you have to pay for possessing such a vast, diverse college student population around yourself.

That, and the dreaded feeling of you being deluged by the fresher flash flood. A sickening amalgam of the despair of drifting apart from the rest of the crowd, and the hopelessness of not being able to do anything about it.

There's so much change. It's almost too much to experience all at once, and at the end of it all, you're all alone. Floundering, gasping for breath in your own little puddle of misery and self-pity.

My brother hates Instagram.

That's right. He hates Instagram.

And with good reason too; not just because that's the opinion of the Internet Hivemind, or just to piss me off (I use the Instagram app on my phone like it's nobody's business, taking pictures of ridiculous things.)
And maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to agree with him.
According to him, the only way people can enjoy a good meal at a restaurant anymore is through the cellphone camera. If you haven't taken a picture and Instagrammed it then suddenly your meal isn't worth it anymore. And what is the deal with taking a perfectly clear picture of anything, and then applying a gritty yellow filter to it in order for it to be artsy? It's ridiculous.
And the hashtag rape on all the photos. Ugh.

Sometimes I think he is the only sensible person in this entire household. Heck, I know it.

And the same goes with any of the existing forms of social networking that people use today. Everyone has turned into an all-out, unabashed social media junkie.
Not long ago, a friend of mine admonished me (via text) for not peppering my text messages with enough emoticons. Another time, I got yelled at by another friend (in person) for not 'liking' any of her deep, insightful facebook posts.
These are the things we complain about now.
I suppose every generation has it's 'thing'. The 70s had disco, we have Instagram.

Obligatory Louis CK:

Clearly, times have changed. Not long ago, taking photos was a somewhat meaningful activity. As far as my family goes, we only took the camera out only for birthdays, or when we went on picnics and long trips. And I wasn't allowed anywhere near it, of course. Rolls and rolls of film would be submitted for developing into photos, and out of all of them, only a few would make it into an album.
Now, well, we don't have to lug the chunky Yashica around anymore when we travel, but suddenly the whole sacred ritual of taking photos has become pointless. "Oh, look! A wonderful sunset! I'll take a picture of it with my cellphone, add a fake edit to it so it looks grainy and vintage, and upload it to Instagram." Thing is, millions of people around the world are doing the very same thing, so your meaningful sunset is gone, lost in an endless sea of meaningful sunsets. Not so meaningful now, is it?

To quote from an article I was reading while I wrote this:

"We're drowning in a sea of photos and I think our ability to filter the good from the bad almost disappears. Why else do I see people sharing photos of their dinner every day? There are only so many ways you can to take a photo of sandwich you and a billion other people had for lunch. Would anyone care?

The urge to share things comes from human nature, but the uncurated photos we send out every day make us all less interested in them. Sadly, this applies even to the ones which are worth the time to look at. We feel the need to 'contribute' constantly, so we end up taking hundreds of photos and sharing them on Instagram to fill the void and feel, just for a moment, that we’ve made an impression."

Instagram may be a pointless activity to a lot of people. But 'being pointless' never stopped anyone from doing anything, ever. I will continue to take pictures of ridiculous things. My brother hates Instagram, not me.
But I do recognize that I have a problem, and I'll do my best not to get overwhelmingly obsessed with the whole thing. There are tv shows meant specifically for that purpose.

Hi. I am Snickerdoodle. I am a social media junkie. It has been 4 days since my last tweet and 2 days since my last post on Instagram.

Weekend Update. Just not as hilarious as SNL.

This past week has been very eventful, to say the least.


Sony stopped manufacturing the PlayStation 2 sometime last week.
A moment of silence, please.
:'Amazing Grace' on bagpipes plays in the background; tears etc.:
The most successful gaming console of all time, the ps2 also has the sole distinction of being the only gaming console that I own. Many summers were spent sitting in front of the TV, armed with my trusty controller, perfecting my backhand and my Kamehameha. It seems as if it was only yesterday that I beat everyone else's ass at Budokai Tenkaichi 3 and Sega Tennis, and failed miserably at God of War and FIFA '11. But, no matter how terrible a gamer I might be, the ps2 shall always hold a special place in my heart.
Thanks for the memories. ;_;

I also decided that I'd had enough of botany for a lifetime and had an impromptu coming-of-age movie marathon, starting with The Breakfast Club and The Graduate, and ending in a big, sobbing mess of tears and feelings. God. See what trying to live out your entire teenage life through movies in a single day does to you?
One of the movies watched that day was 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower', based on the book of the same name. I'd read the book sometime in 11th std. (Yes, 'std.'. Not grade. Yuck. 'Grade' feels so pretentious.)
It was a nice read, and I'll admit it got me through some pretty bad times. It's in the form of letters to an unnamed girl from a boy who calls himself Charlie. The book is about, well, high school, growing up, relationships, friends, the whole shebang.
It references Catcher in the Rye, The Smiths, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the scene with them dancing to "Come on Eileen" is hilarious.
You ever get the feeling a movie was custom made just to suit your likes and dislikes? Throughout the movie, I was thinking, "Holy shit. Catcher in the Rye, The Smiths AND The Rocky Horror Picture Show in a single movie. This is actually happening. Woooow."
Besides all that, the movie was quite alright. It's a good adaptation of the book. Full of quotable quotes. I liked it, somewhat better than the book in fact. The characters really came to life in the movie, and Ezra Miller was completely awesome as Patrick.

Okay, I'll go now. Botany is the devil incarnate. I'm pretty sure that in the depths of hell, there exists a hellhound with each of its heads named Holard, Echard and Chresard.


Edit: I made a playlist! Check it or so help me God I'll eat you  :]
Edit #2: 100th post! Woohoo!

.

Here I sit, on the front porch of my house, dreaming about, well, nothing.

The dog is basking in the sun, which gleams, with a sort of vengeance, through the leaves of a tree, throwing myriad shapes on his back.
The cycle sits patiently in a corner, waiting to be taken out for a ride.
And the sky. Wow, the sky. It's a bold, bright blue and completely devoid of any clouds.
A motorcycle rolls by somewhere.
Silence.

Summer seems to have set in, way, WAY too early. I won't even bother trying to study.
Gah. I wish I had a lawn and a sprinkler.
Or a pool.
Or a beach.
This weather is perfect.

Obligatory Journal Post- The Return: Limerence is a funny thing.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Neil Gaiman.

Earlier today, I was clumsily browsing tumblr, and my dashboard was mostly full of posts about love, and heartbreak; the whole shebang.
One thing led to another, and I clicked the 'Unrequited Love' tag.

Wow. Just, wow. I have no words.

There were thousands and thousands of posts, and all of them from different people, pining away for somebody they could never have.

It's heartbreaking, the thought that such a massive part of the general population is always in the throes of a love so... unrequited. The survey people should conduct a worldwide study to give us an estimate of the number of hearts being broken per day. I'm pretty sure the number would be staggeringly huge.
In fact, there's even a neat sounding word for the feeling:
"Limerence: an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated."

Everyone's well-acquainted with limerence, there's no denying it. When you fall head over heels for someone, their every aspect seems to complement yours in one way or another. You think you both are a perfect fit for each other. A match made in heaven, and all that. You are the sambar to his idly vada, you are the orange tic tacs to her Mollika, that sort of thing.
I, for one, cannot imagine my life without orange tic tacs, or idly vada without sambar. It just DOES NOT SEEM RIGHT.
Therefore, one can imagine how painful it is to watch your 'perfect fit' happy with somebody else, apart from yourself. Pow, right in the feelings, if you ask me.

I suddenly found myself feeling horrible for all those people posting on there. Thousands of people I've never known, and never will. You guys, my heart goes out to all of you.
And it's not like I'm pining away for lost love or anything myself, either.

Gah. This empathy shit is killing me.

Slam Book Survey Thingie 2: Electric Boogaloo.

I got 99 problems, and these were all of them!

Writing this damn thing was like writing my English Literature paper. At first I'll start off all awesome with an epic essay, and from there the whole paper turns to shit. -.-
You guys are welcome to complete this challenge if you want. In fact, I dare you to. I dare all of you to.

Gah. I'm bored.

-------------------

1:6 of the songs you listen to most?

In no particular order:

• White Winter Hymnal- Fleet Foxes.
• No Buses- Arctic Monkeys.
• There is a Light That Never Goes Out- The Smiths.
• The Battle of Evermore- Led Zeppelin.
• Fake Plastic Trees- Radiohead
• You Make My Dreams Come True- Hall and Oates

2:If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer, and Louis C.K., among others. But mostly them.

3:Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
"Before he left, Jose Arcadio Buendia buried the spear in the courtyard and, one after the other, he cut the throats of his magnificent fighting cocks, trusting that in that way he could give some measure of peace to Prudencio Aguilar."

-One Hundred Years of Solitude.

4:What do you think about most?
Oh, you know. Stuff. My future, Joseph Gordon Levitt etc.

5:What does your latest text message from someone else say?
How considerate :P my gratitude is inexpressible

6:Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
With clothes on. But I am known to sleep on the floor without a shirt on, occasionally. .-.

7:What’s your strangest talent?
I...I don't know. I'm talentless.
Well, I guess I have a talent for recalling really, REALLY random, uncanny facts and incidents from memory.

8:Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

"Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up. That’s the difference. Boys just do damage to your house that you can measure in dollars, like a hurricane. Girls, like, leave scars in your psyche that you find later, like a genocide... That’s the difference between boys and girls. And it becomes the difference between men and women, really. A man will, like, steal your car or burn your house down or beat the shit out of you, but a woman will ruin your fuckin’ life. Do you see the difference? Like, a man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he’ll leave you as a human being intact. He won’t fuck with who you are. Women are nonviolent, but they will shit inside of your heart."

- Louis C. K.

Every time I read Girls this and Boys that etc. anywhere, this monologue comes to mind. Louis C. K. is fucking amazing.

9:Ever had a poem or song written about you?
Oh, dozens. Of the "Roses are red, Violets are blue..." subcategory. Nothing like, concrete or anything.

10:When is the last time you played the air guitar?
Today morning, in the shower, when I was jamming to Kenny Rogers.
Don't judge.

11:Do you have any strange phobias?
I have an irrational fear of fish heads. They're a delicacy where I'm from, and so forth. But when my food has a face, and that too of a cooked fish I will scoot as far away from the dining table as possible.

12:Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
Yes. I was 3. Waddling around the house, and I found a HUGE bit of melted candlewax. So naturally, 3 year old me stuck it up her nose.
I don't remember much, but I do recall cold steel tweezers, dazzling pain and an angry lady who resembled my mum.

13:What’s your religion?
Technically Hindu, but I don't practice it. So, Agnostic.

14:If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
Walking around the city, and cycling on empty roads late at night.

15:Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
Behind it. My face breaks cameras.

16:Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
GAH! I listen to a lot of Radiohead, Led Zeppelin, Arctic Monkeys, Franz Ferdinand et al. I also listen to a lot of Girls' Generation. :P
So it's all just bands I listen to most, no favourite and all.

17:What was the last lie you told?
I wrote the student editorial article, it's just at home.

18:Do you believe in karma?
Yeah, to an extent. What goes around comes around, that sort of thing. 

19:What does your URL mean?
stfumolly expands to "Shut the Fuck Up, Molly". I'm Molly. Pretty self-explanatory.

20:What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
Weakness: A dangerously low self esteem and a plethora of trust issues.
Strength: My sense of humour.

21:Who is your celebrity crush?
Hahah, celebrity :crush: it seems. Joseph Gordon Levitt. Tina Fey. Chris O'Dowd. Christina Hendricks. Benedict Cumberbatch. Alexander Skarsgard. Edward Norton. Need I go on?

22:Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Of course, yes.

23:How do you vent your anger?
I cuss like a sailor. I write. I listen to Radiohead. I cry.

24:Do you have a collection of anything?
Posters, pokemon cards, stickers, text messages. That sort of thing.

25:Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
I don't prefer one over another, but I talk over the phone more often.

26:Are you happy with the person you’ve become?
I'm never, ever happy with the way I am. At the age of 10, I thought I'd be awesome at 12. At 12, I hated myself and thought I'd be awesome at 16. I'm going to be 18 in 2 weeks. This doesn't feel right at all.

"And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground

I'll start pounding the lid,
Saying, "I haven't finished yet,
I still have a tattoo to get,
That says, 'I'm living in the moment'".

And it's funny how I imagined 
That I could win this win-less fight
Maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I want to live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually
See
That I am exactly the person that I want to be."

27:What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?
I loathe the screech of chalk on a blackboard, and the sound of people throwing up. I love the sound of popcorn popping in the microwave, the tap-tap of keyboards, and the shower running.

28:What’s your biggest “what if”?
What if I got stuck in one place for my entire life, living the sedentary life I promised myself I never would?

29:Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
Yes, and yes. I refuse to believe that we're the only life forms that exist out there. It's bullshit.

30:Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
Right: Blanket.
Left: Nothing.

31:Smell the air. What do you smell?
Nothing extraordinary.

32:What’s the worst place you have ever been to?
Tirupati. Place of worship. I should have known. Yuuuuck.

33:Choose: East Coast or West Coast?
India? West Coast!

34:Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?
Andy Samberg.

35:To you, what is the meaning of life?
Honestly, I have no inkling as to why I'm here. But the fact of the matter is that I am here, so the answer must be out there somewhere.

36:Define Art.
Wolfram Alpha defines art as "the creation of beautiful or significant things". I'll go with that.

37:Do you believe in luck?
Of course, yes. Just that I never seem to have any, ever.

38:What’s the weather like right now?
Sunny.

39:What time is it?
3 pm.

40:Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
No, I don't drive. Yes, I have crashed.

41:What was the last book you read?
"The Happy Prince and Other Tales", by Oscar Wilde. Particularly the story of the Nightingale and The Rose. That story hits me hard right in the feelings. ;_;

42:Do you like the smell of gasoline?
Nah, not really. That smell is so overrated.

43:Do you have any nicknames?
Moll, Molly, Mollywobbles, Molecules, Medusa etc.

44:What was the last film you saw?
The Big Lebowski. And ever since I did, I've just been watching Gutterballs over and over again and jamming to Kenny Rogers.

45:What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
Well, I was running around school and fell down, and this girl fell on top of me. And I developed acute appendicitis. That counts, yes?

46:Have you ever caught a butterfly?
Yeah.

47:Do you have any obsessions right now?
The Fleet Foxes. And askreddit.

48:What’s your sexual orientation?
Straight.

49:Ever had a rumour spread about you?
Not that I know of, none.

50:Do you believe in magic?
“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” - Arthur C. Clarke.

51:Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
Nah. The people involved aren't usually worth holding grudges against.

52:What is your astrological sign?
A true blue Scorpio. Or so, some say.

53:Do you save money or spend it?
I spend. Like crazy. It's not cool.

54:What’s the last thing you purchased?
My bus ticket.

55:Love or lust?
LOOOOVE.

56:In a relationship?
Noope.

57:How many relationships have you had?
Like, one-ish.

58:Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
No. :[

59:Where were you yesterday?
Mostly at chemistry tuition, and then at a Chinese restaurant.

60:Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Pink Fight Club poster, pink Powerpuff Girls poster, pink post-it notes.

61:Are you wearing socks right now?
No.

62:What’s your favourite animal?
I like all animals. Tralala.
But otters mostly.

63:What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
I don't have any secret weapon. Either they like me, or they don't.

64:Where is your best friend?
One's at some tuition, another is sleeping at home, and yet another is over a thousand miles away from me.

65:Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

66:What is your heritage?
East Bengal-West Bengal hybrid bong.

67:What were you doing last night at 12AM?
Reading fanfiction in the dark.

68:What do you think is Satan’s last name?
Newell. Give us Portal 3, dammit!

69:Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

Yeah. I'm only human.

70:Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
I don't set parameters for the kind of friends I'd like to have. But sure, I'd totally be friends with a person like myself.

71:You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
DOG! HOLD ON! :throws clothes off, jumps into canal and saves dog:
Plot Twist: Dog's owner turns out to be Boss, and we become BFFs.

72:You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
a) I'd tell a few people.
b) I guess I'd live out my days doing what made me happy.
c) Yes, I would be afraid. Everyone who says they aren't afraid of dying is a big, fat liar.

73:You can only have one of these things; trust or love.
Trust all the way. Yes, I am a hopeless quasi-romantic, but love without any trust? Really?

74:What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
Ukelele Anthem- Amanda Palmer, Airbrushed- Anamanaguchi, Brimful of Asha- Cornershop.

75:What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?
3588.

76:In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
Trust. Common interests. The ability to make awkward silences not seem awkward. Never running of things to talk about.
Etc.

77:How can I win your heart?
Be into the same bizzarro crap as myself. Beat me at a game of DDR. Put forth relevant points to the "Iron Man vs. Batman" debate. Either I will hate you or love you from the bottom of my heart. :P

78:Can insanity bring on more creativity?
"Ya da obviously it can"- Sripradha.

79:What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
To not go to Deeksha post-10th standard to study. Yeah.

80:What size shoes do you wear?
Seven.

81:What would you want to be written on your tombstone?
"Died living in the moment".

82:What is your favourite word?
Infundibulum.

83:Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.
GO PLANET! ALL YOUR POWERS COMBINED I AM CAPTAIN PLANET
CAPTAIN PLANET
HE'S THE HEEERO
GONNA TAKE POLLUTION
DOWN TO ZEEEERO

84:What is a saying you say a lot?
"Don't judge me!"

85:What’s the last song you listened to?
Lonely Boy- The Black Keys.
OHH WHOA OHHH I GOT THE LOVE THAT KEEPS ME WAIITING  :3

86:Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?
Blue and orange. I liked them long before Portal was out.

87:What is your current desktop picture?
Screencap of the dance scene from Pulp Fiction.

88:If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
I can't think of anyone right now. :|

89:What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
What my internet escapades consist of.

90:One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Que sera sera. I'm not sticking around to find out.

91:You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?
Shapeshifting. Or apparating. Yeah okay, I'm a big fan of Mystique's family's superpowers, so what.

92:You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
Any instance from the summer of 2011, before my best friend moved away.

93:You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
My best friend's mother's death.
We were in school when we heard the news. She'd had a heart attack in her sleep. It felt like a tight slap in the face from reality. It's like, you know a person really well and speak to them often, and it feels like you're going to be able to talk to them and see them for the rest of your life. And then one day, that person is gone. Wiped out of existence. You're never going to see them again. 
Reality stings really hard.
We ran from school to the funeral, and we just stood there, held each other and cried and cried. I hadn't seen my friend in a long while, and when I finally got to see her, it was like this. 

94:You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Andy Samberg >.>

95:You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Corfu, Greece.

96:Do you have any relatives in jail?
Not that I know of, no.

97:Have you ever thrown up in the car?
Oh yeah.

98:Ever been on a plane?
Nope.

99:If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
O HAI YOUZ

It's a colour, not a disease.

[Note: Forgive me if what I've written seems too biased or if I've generalized too much. That isn't the intention. It's just something that's been on my mind recently.]


"Oke brandy diye chaan korao; theek hoye jaabe."
[Translation: Bathe her in brandy; she'll be alright.]

A 'concerned relative' suggested this to my mum back when I was little, as a remedy for the colour of my skin. Yeah. :L
You know, it feels rather shitty that everyone says these things about facing racism outside the country, when in truth you don't even have to look further than your own family.

Well, truth be told, it doesn't feel all that shitty now compared to back when my mum told me about the said incident. I was 10, and rather full of radical notions. Now I'm 17, and still full of radical notions, but most of them concern certain tv show fandoms and tic tac flavours.
Anyway. So a wide spectrum of emotions was felt along the course of that day, ranging from amusement to confusion to pure anger.
Anger at those relatives, who gave my mum so much flak for not producing a kid of a lighter complexion.

Anger, and frustration at myself, for not being a much more favourable colour.

As a kid, I always had a bone to pick with the colour of my skin. I'm not quite sure why, though. Society? Television? Other people? Probably. I thought there was something wrong with me. Why do I have to be so dark? Why me, God? Why me?
It was very unfair to me, in every sense of the phrase.
Apparently I used to ask my mum, "Ma, why is my skin heavy?"
You know, because the opposite of light was heavy and the word 'dark' was unknown to me then.
I find this hilariously sad.

As a country, we're all up in arms about 'Unity in Diversity' and the whole shebang. It's true, in that we're all united in the mutual hate we have for each other.
I just don't get the obsession with fair skin, and moreover, the disgust our country seems to have for dark skin. 
White is a colour. Black is a colour. Brown is a colour. Hell, blue is a colour. Why can't we just accept the fact that they're all colours and get along already?

I'll never forget what my mum told me with regard to my so-called identity crisis. It was something along the lines of:

 "You need to accept the fact that you're dark-skinned. You will face a lot of flak from society because of that, and because of your gender too. You have to learn to deal with it. You can't let the stupid comments people pass about the colour of your skin get to you. That's a weakness, and will be exploited to no end. You're the brightest kid I know. You'll do just fine. And promise me you'll stay miles away from that fairness cream crap forever."

So yes, I am dark-skinned. And yes, I am a girl. Nothing is ever going to change that.
And you know what else?
My skin colour is awesome. I am awesome.
Nothing is ever going to change that, either.

'tis a matter of the heart.

"You don't contain even an ounce of romance in you."

Romance. An oft-used word.
What does it mean? How is one :romantic:?
Does getting flowers and going on dates mean being romantic?
Does one have to dress up and look all pretty in order to be loved?

Maybe that's the case. And I'm okay with it.
I don't mind flowers.
Or dressing up for dates.
Or kisses.
Or any other romantic cliche out there.

I do watch romantic movies.
I teared up a little when I finished reading 'Love Story'.
To call me unromantic is kind of harsh, non?

Don't get me wrong; I'm open to the idea of romance.
But the funny thing about all this is:

It just isn't me.

I don't really like flowers. They wilt and rot.
Kissing? Forget about it. I find the idea of holding hands in public too awkward.
And I cannot get myself all dolled up and pretty for a guy.
Makeup is sticky and weird, and threading one's eyebrows is some ancient Chinese method of torture. I'm certain of it.

I'm me.
Strange, unromantic me.
Armed with a sharp tongue and sarcasm.
Full of opinions that I will defend with my life.

But does that mean I've never thought about what it feels like to be loved?
Love. That which goes beyond romance, and everything else.
I have wondered what finding love would be like.
What it would mean to have someone to treasure. Someone who thought of me as...precious. Significant.
And if I could find such a person by being myself.

Myself?
My weird, childish, unromantic self.

I believe in a love that encompasses any kind of romance.

I believe in a love so strong, it sticks around long after the romance is dead.
If I ever do fall in love, it certainly won't be short term.

This is me.
Weird, unromantic, I'll agree.

But capable of that crazy feeling called love.

----------------

Note: The quote is something someone remarked about me, in the past week. I'm sure they didn't mean any harm, but that line really rustled my jimmies, man. So I got thinking, and stuff.

I never thought I was capable of writing such mushy stuff. Time to crawl under my rock and die of embarrassment.

I am not a radish.

A few days ago, while sitting in class and talking of inconsequential things between mouthfuls of someone's lunch, the subject of crying came up. One thing led to another, and everyone's most depressing experiences were being shared. I, not being one to contribute to such conversations with ease, just shut up and listened to everyone else.
"You know Snickerdoodle, I've never seen you cry before. I mean, everyone else here I've seen, but not you," says one girl.
An awkward silence ensues, followed by some awkward laughing.
What I find funny about this entire ordeal is that just the day before, I shut myself in my room, put on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind [Which, according to a friend, is a movie people such as myself would particularly like. I don't know what he meant.], and had a good, long cry about everything in general.
A catharsis of sorts.

:Some: people seem to think that I'm some confident, feeling-less, chilled out sonofabitch.
I'm quite curious as to where they get this idea from.
Truth be told, I'm an emotionally volatile mess. I take the stupidest of things too seriously. Usually by the end of a week I'm ready to burst from all the repressed anger, tears and bile. And I'm especially secretive about these things.
But people need to stop assuming that just because I don't make a public display of my emotions, that I'm an emotionless, sarcastic piece of shit. Heck, for a while I had started to believe it too.

I may be sarcastic.
I may be a piece of shit.
I most likely will not tell you even if I feel like I've sunk to the lowest of the low.
But I am not emotionless. Just because I don't cry in public, does not make me a radish.

My blog consists mostly, if not only of various rants, chronicles of dreams and Bukowski.

I only recently started reading Bukowski's poems, and I have enjoyed everything- well, most everything I've read so far. I love the gloomy, bitter, deadpan cynicism of it all.
Here's looking at you, you wonderful, cranky old drunk man. :hat-tip:

--------------------

Reading Murakami, Bukowski, Sylvia Plath, Vonnegut et al.
I can almost imagine an older version of myself, reading this blog after a long time and thinking to herself what a pretentious little asshat she used to be. -.-

"the crunch" (Charles Bukowski).

too much too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody.

laughter or
tears

haters
lovers

strangers with faces like
the backs of
thumb tacks

armies running through
streets of blood
waving winebottles
bayoneting and fucking
virgins.

an old guy in a cheap room
with a photograph of M. Monroe.

there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners

it hasn’t told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.

people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.

I suppose they never will be.
I don’t ask them to be.

but sometimes I think about
it.

the beads will swing
the clouds will cloud
and the killer will behead the child
like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone.

too much
too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody

more haters than lovers.

people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were
our deaths would not be so sad.

meanwhile I look at young girls
stems
flowers of chance.

there must be a way.

surely there must be a way that we have not yet
thought of.

who put this brain inside of me?

it cries
it demands
it says that there is a chance.

it will not say
“no.”

Merely Speculation.

You just stick to your kpop and radiohead, and watch the world pass you by. Never change.

"Stay the same, never change"?
That, in my opinion, is the most terrifying thing to write in anyone's yearbook. Why would anyone wish that for a person? The last thing I would like to remain is a stupid, hormonal and possibly borderline schizophrenic individual.

-------------------------

Everything I've done so far has just been a passing phase. I've eventually lost interest in it, and never thought about that thing again. Is the entirety of life just a bunch of phases? Am I just going to lose interest in any, or all the choices I make in the future? I suppose so.

In the end, what differentiates one's life from another is how much more anal retentive is one person than the other. How much longer we can hold on to a choice and base our lives upon it.
The ability to move from one choice to another is what keeps us alive. The moment we lose interest in everything, we're considered dead, I guess.

#MCMXCIV: People tell me I'm a quiet person.

Up until recently, I was convinced that not many people were interested in my opinions. I had grown accustomed to the monosyllabic responses I would receive from everyone. I was under the pretext that nobody ever listened to anything I said and thus became the "I have to tell you something, but you probably think it's silly so I don't want to impose my thoughts on you" kind of person. It felt like people were doing me a favor by listening to me.


Hence the quietness.


Depressing, non?

I couldn't be further from the truth.

It turns out I do have a bunch of people who care about me enough to listen to everything (well, almost everything) I have to say, however absurd it might be. And the fact that I do hesitate to tell them just anything might be rubbing them the wrong way. They of all people deserve to know what I think.
I figured this out just now. :facepalm:


Henceforth, when I feel like I need to say something, I'll say it.
Or I'll try, at least.
Ok.


Maiti out!

A Mother's Absence: Day 2.

The food is disappearing, and how. All we're left with are 2 jars of peanut butter and Nutella.
Practically everything else is inedible [Read: Needs to be cooked in order to consume].
Worst case scenario: I might have to learn to cook things other than noodles. And omelettes. And cake. Mm. That pizza party looks really good right about now.
We found mould in the bread today. My brother, my dog and I examined it. We found that the fungus looks like trees with bluish-green foliage under a magnifying glass.
My dog, on the other hand, tried to eat it. Cheeky fucker.
The bread, obviously, had to go.
:stomach rumbles:

I think Mum's absence is driving Dad bananas. Brother and Dog are already bananas, except hungrier.
Mm, bananas...

My dog hunted down a cockroach today. By the time we found it, all that remained of it were the exoskeleton and the antennae. Ants do their job really well.

I wonder what cockroach tastes like.

Obligatory Journal post #73: In which I do one of those slam book-ish challenges.

Truth be told, I've never really done any of these challenges. I always thought they were stupid. This one seemed different from the usual "What's your star sign?" bullsh1t, so I thought I'd give it a go.

Basically, I cross out everything on this list that's true about me. So yeah, here goes nothing.

Appearance

• I have/had piercings besides the ears.
• I want piercings besides the ears.
• I have many scars.
• I tan easily.
• I wish my hair was a different color.
• I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
• I have/want a tattoo.
• I can be self-conscious about my appearance.
• I have/had braces. (retainers) 
• I have more than two piercings.  (3, actually; because of a piercing accident back whenever. It counts.)

Embarrassment

• Disney movies still make me cry.
• I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
• I’ve glued my hand to something.
• I’ve laughed until some kind of beverage came out of my nose
• I’ve had my pants rip in public.
• I’ve touched something sharp/hot/etc to see if it would hurt.

Health

• I’ve gotten stitches.
• I’ve broken or dislocated a bone.
• I’ve had my tonsils removed.
• I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
• I’ve had chicken pox.

Travel

• I’ve been to Florida.
• I’ve driven/ridden over 200 kilometers in one day.
• I’ve been on a plane.
• I’ve been to Colombia
• I’ve been to Cuba.
• I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
• I’ve been to Ottawa
• I’ve been to the Caribbean.
• I’ve been to Europe.

Experiences

• I’ve gotten lost in my city.
• I’ve seen a shooting star.
• I’ve wished on a shooting star.
• I’ve seen a meteor shower.
• I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas. 
• I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
• I’ve slapped someone.
• I’ve kissed someone underwater.
• I’ve chugged something.
• I’ve crashed a car.
• I’ve been skiing.
• I’ve been in a musical.
• I’ve auditioned for something.
• I’ve been on stage.
• I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
• I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
• I’ve pranked someone.
• I’ve ridden in a taxi.

Honesty / Crime

• I’ve been threatened to be arrested. 
• I’ve broken a law.
• I’ve done something I promised someone I wouldn’t.
• I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
• I’ve sneaked out.
• I’ve lied about my whereabouts.
• I’ve cheated while playing a game.
• I’ve been in a fist fight.

Death

• I’m afraid of dying.
• I hate funerals.
• I’ve seen someone/something die.
• Someone close to me has attempted/committed suicide.
• I have attempted suicide.
• I’ve thought about suicide before.
• I’ve written a eulogy for myself. 

Materialism

• I own over 5 rap CD’s.
• I’m obsessed with anime/manga.
• I collected comic books. 
• I own a lot of makeup. 
• I own something from Pac Sun.
• I own something from The Gap.
• I own something I got on E-Bay.
• I own something from Abercrombie.
• I thrive on compliments.
• I thrive on hate.

Random

• I can sing low key.
• I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
• I open up to others easily.
• I watch the news occasionally or always.
• I don’t like to kill bugs.
• I sing in the shower.
• I’m a morning person.
• I’m a sports fanatic. 
• I twirl my hair.
• I care about grammar.
• I love spam.
• I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
• I bake well.
• My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, blue, red, black, purple, or orange.
• I would wear pajamas to school.
• I like Martha Stewart.
• I laugh at my own jokes. (LIKE A FUCKING BOSS)
• I eat fast food weekly.
• I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
• I can’t sleep if there’s a spider in the room.
• I’m really ticklish.
• I like white chocolate.
• I bite my nails.
• I’m good at remembering names.
• I’m good at remembering dates.
• I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

People

• ..used to ask if I was anorexic/bulimic.
• ..called me fat.
• ..say I’m skinny.
• ..have said I’m ugly.
• ..have said I’m pretty. 
• ..have spread rumors about me.
• ..force me to eat. 
• ..say I eat too much.
• ..say I eat too little.

Eating

• I’ve lost weight.
• I’ve gained weight.
• I’m at my thinnest.
• I’m at my biggest.
• I’ve lost weight and kept it off.
• I’ve lost weight, but gained it back.  (God Fucking Dammit!)
• My weight affects my mood. A lot.
• I diet. 
• I’m vegan/vegetarian.
• I exercise.
• I’ve fainted from exhaustion. 

Family

• I’ve sworn at my parents.
• I’ve planned to run away from home before.
• I’ve run away from home.
• My biological parents are together.
• I have a sibling less than one year old.
• I want kids.
• I’ve had kids.
• I’ve lost a child.

Relationships

• I’m engaged.
• I’m married.
• I’m a swinger.
• I’ve gone on a blind date.
• I have/had a friend with benefits.
• I miss someone right now.
• I have a fear of abandonment.
• I’ve gotten divorced.
• I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
• Someone has/had feelings for me when I didn’t have them back.
• I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
• I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
• I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality

• I’m a cuddler.
• I’ve been kissed in the rain.
• I’ve hugged a stranger.
• I’ve kissed a stranger.

Bad times

• I regularly drink.
• I can't swallow pills 
• I can swallow numerous pills at a time without difficulty.
• I’ve been diagnosed with depression at some point. 
• I have/had anxiety problems.
• I shut others out when I’m upset.
• I don’t have anyone to talk to when I’m upset. 
• I have taken/take anti-depressants.
• I’ve slept an entire day before.
• I’ve plotted revenge.